THE DAILY MOJO by Adam Daniel

Coming to you from the Mojo Living Room, it’s the 2009 ARIA Awards Running Diary. This year the awards have moved to Channel 9. Hmmmm. A little worried, but I’m sure they’ve got their fingers on the pulse.

8:30: The night kicks off with Keith Urban’s live performance of “Generic Country Pop Song #24″… actually, that may just be my title for it.

8:35: Oh no…. Gyton Grantley and Kate Ritchie are hosting. I really like Gyton as an actor, but this show might ruin that. They deliver an awfully written introduction speech like giggly 6th graders working off illegible cue cards.

8:37: And the winner for Highest Selling Single… I had no idea on this but suspected Jessica Mauboy’s ‘Running Back To You’…. and that’s the winner. Wow. I’m happy for J-Mau (I am TMing this nickname) but I really hope she doesn’t take many creative awards. She is really just wannabe-Beyonce Junior.

8:38: J-Mau starts by thanking God. Jessica, God was in the tub, he wasn’t working on selling albums for you.

8:40: As much as people don’t like Channel 10, at least their ARIA show vibe is “had a few drinks, having a good time”. Not “desperately trying to convince people we are cool and hip dudes”.

8:44: Is current presenter Ruby Rose hot? I need a ruling on this.

8:46: Time for Best Urban Release. AKA Best Very Average Facsimile of American Hip Hop Award. Oh, what a surprise, Hilltop Hoods take out the award. They must have incriminating photos of ARIA voters in compromising positions with goats. Just kidding, I actually like what I’ve heard of that album.

8:49: J-Mau is up onstage to perform her poor woman’s Beyonce. Her supporting male dancers are wearing Hamburgler face masks. She ends with a horrible bum note.

8:54: Grantley and Ritchie seem way too insistent on us not tuning out. “Stick Around!” Gyton commands, and I don’t want to mess with him. I’ve seen what he can do to a piece of fried chicken in Underbelly. It’s not pretty.

8:59: Andrew G (I refuse to acknowledge his surname) and Jimmy Barnes award AC/DC with the Best Selling Album Award for ‘Black Ice’. A pointless roadie comes onstage and sets up a totally unnecessary mic stand. Huh? AC/DC are in South America apparently. Talk about anti-climax.

9:01: And AC/DC take the Best Rock Album Award. Shit. They cross to a pre-taped award acceptance speech. Jesus, AC/DC look like Dennis Ferguson’s love children. That’s what years of drug and alcohol abuse will do kids.

9:06: Hilltop Hoods perform ‘Chase That Feeling’, which as I mentioned before, I really like. But I’m pretty sure the circus performers gracing the stage with them can be filed under R for Redundant.

9:11: Rosso basically shits on the category he is awarding, Best Dance Release, with his sarcastic yet oddly unfunny intro. And the winner? The Presets, who also must have some incriminating shit to use against the voters. Or maybe they are Stonecutters. Didn’t we give them enough kudos last year??

9:13: Presenters Vanessa Amarosi and Daniel Merriweather. Ughhh. Double Ughhh. Talk about King and Queen of the Average. They are presenting Best Pop Release. And the ARIA goes to…. Empire of the Sun. Seems to be the consensus pick pre-show for who is going to win big.

A douchey Luke Steele collects the award. Acknowledges his partner in EotS, Nick Littlemore, but barely. Here’s the lowdown on their “break up”, which occurred six months ago.

I get the feeling it was an Alpha Dog conflict. There is mention in those articles about Nick wanting to tour and Luke flat out refusing. More evidence that his head is wedged wayyyyyyyyyyy up his rectum.

9:26: Dick Wilkins and Lee Kernaghan are introducing Best Country Album. Dick is upset he is not “nomilated” tonight. Easy on the red wine Dick.

Man I would love Shane Nicholson to win this category. But it’s not to be… the winner is Troy Cassar-Daley. Seems like a nice guy, but his music is broader than Broadway.

Troy boasts about his future project with Keith Urban, called ‘The Brown Streaks’. I’ve already been working on that project myself. In my toilet.

9:34: Ohhhhh man. It’s Robbie Williams time. Here comes Mr. Crazy Eyes!

I’m sorry, but I can’t stand Robbie Williams. I just don’t understand his appeal. Sure he has a competent voice, but he dances like a spaz and his songs are the very definition of generic.

He’s doing his awful single ‘Bodies’. He demands people get out of their seats. How about you write a song that actually makes people WANT to get out of their seats, not some goofy, stuttering, lyrically lame turd.

Wait a minute, what is Robbie Williams even doing at the ARIAS!!! Do we really need him? I would rather see any of the four best male or female artist perform, than this bloated, boring has-been.

Kate gets all wet when Robbie pecks her on the cheek post-song. Gyton tries to convince us this show is “going off!” RADICAL! BODACIOUS! FULLY SICK!

9:43: Guy Sebastian and Natalie Bassingthwaite are presenting a very poor joke about Robbie Williams. Actually, they are presenting Breakthrough Artist Single. My personal favourite here is Lisa Mitchell, but I know she’s a huuuuge underdog. But then Ladyhawke, another underdog comes through with ‘My Delirium’. Ignoring the whole “not Australian” thing, congratulations to Ladyhawke. That song is very cool.

9:48: Straight afterwards, the Breakthrough Artist Album. Ladyhawke is up again, against two of my other favourite female artists, Lisa Mitchell and Sia (as well as The Temper Trap and J-Mau). And the winner….. Ladyhawke again! Nice work. She’s very cute and seemingly a bit shy.

9:54: Missing Higgins… sorry, typo. Missy Higgins has an eloquent introduction for Lisa Mitchell, Kate Miller-Heidke, and the lovely and amazing Sarah Blasko.

They are all doing abridged versions of their songs. Lisa’s up first, with ‘Coin Laundry’. She’s gorgeous and quirky, just her usual self. Then we slide across to Kate Miller-Heidke, performing ‘The Last Day On Earth’. Heartfelt, intense and passionate. Finally, undoubtably Australia’s best female artist in this writer’s humble opinion, Sarah Blasko. Blasko is performing ‘All I Want’, and looks amazing with her characteristic theatrical style. A beautiful performance from all three.

But I wish we could have given them the 5 minutes we wasted on Robbie Williams to perform longer versions. And it’s a bit of a cheat that the three artists are “sharing the same stage”; more like sharing the same walkway to their individual stages.

10:03: Jabba rises from the dead to hand out the Best Adult Contemporary album award. Love the nominees in this category. Pykey, Bob Evans, Little Birdy, Paul Dempsey and… um… David Campbell?

The winner…. Josh Pyke! For Chimney’s Afire. Excellent!

Speaking of, check out his new Lighthouse DVD, especially the fan made vid special feature.

Pykey dedicates the award to Bob Evans, his “brother from another mother”. I have a few of those myself.

10:09: Tom Petrovski!

10:13: John Butler pays respect to the traditional elders. Class act. With Keith Urban he presents the Best Independent Release. Dappled Please! No Sneaky Sound System Please!

Bertie Blackman wins for ‘Secrets and Lies’. I’ve got no problem with that. But you have to check out ‘Zounds’ by Dappled Cities if you haven’t already, one of the best albums of the year.

Bertie is wearing a garbage bag tonight, which is an interesting choice. She also tries to make a metaphor about being an independent artist which somehow encompasses catching a dust storm of diamonds and broken glass and blowing them back. Interesting.

10:17: Empire of the Sun, performing ‘Walking On A Dream’. Anytime someone goes too crazy with theatrics and costumes I wonder what they are lacking under the surface. Luke Steele looks like a villain from Flash Gordon 2.

Channel 9 use some weird shutter speed, strobe effect slowdown which makes me question if I’ve had one too many vodka and iced coffees. Let’s just say I’m glad I didn’t drop acid before that one.

10:22: I can’t be bothered even typing the names of the next two presenters they are so bland. Best Male Artist goes to….. praying for Paul Dempsey…… arrrrrggggggggh!!!! Daniel Fucking Merriweather. Jesus. Dempsey is ten times the artist. Talk about bland. Cardboard is less bland than Merriweather.

10:26: Best Blues and Roots Album, presented by a trying very hard Doctor from Triple J and Marieke Hardy who is actually pretty cute. C.W. Stoneking wins! Seems cool though a little quirky guy. Like the weird dude who sat up the back in music class. Also has a little Karl Childers about him. French fry potatas!

10:31: The Temper Trap, with ‘Sweet Disposition’ live onstage. Wow these guys have grown since I saw them play support two years ago at The Metro. Very atmospheric, U2-esque rock sound.

10:32: Julian on Facebook points out that Best Newcomer Award should go to “all the winding camera pan shots on stage. Shooting it just like a footy game. Go channel nine!!!”

10:36: Time for the Best Group award, presented by the moustachioed Powderfinger boys. Empire of the Sun are this years The Presets. They take out this one. Great. More time onstage for Captain Douchebag.

10:41: Ladyhawke totally wins me over with her performance of ‘My Delirium’. Then it’s time for Mysterious Higgins to present Best Female Artist. Hoping, wishing, praying that Blasko will win… but it’s probably going to J-Mau right? I mean, the ARIAs always let me down. The winner….. BLASKO!!! Yeah baby! So well deserved. She makes a very succinct thank you speech.

10:46: Rove and Robbie Williams are presenting the final two awards of the night. Rove tries to explain to Robbie that Australian’s are actually able to speak and not just scream in his presence. I would scream if Robbie was anywhere near me too, but it would mostly be because I was running at him with a knife.

Empire of the Sun win Best Single for ‘Walking On A Dream’. Captain Douchebag says this song was like a blessing from God, a lightning strike. Any chance we could get lightning to strike you right now.

10:50: Rove makes a mouth trumpet noise and then a crack about Channel 9 not affording real fanfare. Ha! And a personality too. Now it’s time for Album of the Year….. and the winner is….

Empire of the Sun.

Wait, let me lift my jaw off the floor. What a Huuuuuuuuge Surprise.

He calls his own album a “masterwork”. No wonder Nick Littlemore bailed out on this pretentious blowhard. He tries to crack a joke with Robbie and Robbie shuts him down. Wow. When Robbie Williams thinks you are a pretentious dick….

That’s it for the show. Biggest disappointment? Dempsey missing out on Best Male Artist. Highlight of the night? Blasko getting the recognition she deserves.